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I keep trying to hide behind myself, behind all of my lies, just to show that Im ok, when in reality, I just want someone to say that it is ok to feel this way. When the world seems to care I feel as if it is all just one big conspiracy and everyone is standing around laughing in my face, yet Im too blind to see it. In searching for comfort, I only find guilt. Some say, "You shouldn't feel this way, there are worse people in the world." And somehow that is supposed to make a person feel better about themselves? Nice try. I want to feel like it is ok to cry. That it is ok to open up to someone and not feel like Im being selfish. And yes, I know that everyone has "down times", but why do I feel like I have to keep wearing this smile so everyone doesn't know the "real me". Why do I feel so guilty after telling people things about me? Why do I feel like they would care in the first place? I hate feeling like Im not good enough for anyone... even God, which in reality, I know the latter isn't true, but that is truely how I feel. It is like Im just a big disappointment to everyone. I hate the way I feel.


	Forethought October 3, 2003 05:36 PM PDT If there's one thing I've learned from my tenure with the human race is that people will feel infinitely better about their life if they learn to open up and be honest, both with other people and with themselves. Don't be afraid to act the way you feel, people can't respond to you if they don't know what's really going on. You should never feel selfish when opening up to someone, esp. a friend, and looking for emotional support. That's what friends are for. You'd be surprised how many people actually care, some just choose to take a more passive approach, with the reason that they are trying to respect your sense of privacy, so sometimes you have to take the initiative and bring things out in the open, so that becomes a non-issue. And judging from your blog, it sounds like you're anything but a disappointment.