Im reading this book called "Stick Figure" by Lori Gottlieb. It is pretty good, even though it is written by an 11 and a half old girl. It is all of her journals compiled into a book. See... her mom was a bit of a quack and a bunch of other stuff happened and it made her think she was fat, then she became anorexic. It just tells about how she thinks of herself and how she goes to psychiatrists and then ends up in hospital. Im almost finished with the book. Then I bought another book called "Unholy Ghost: Writers on Depression", so those will keep me busy for the time being.
  I went to the Child and Family Services today, and I had to talk to this one guy. He seemed really nice, and really talkative. He is going to try this new thing they have that is supposed to teach my brain something. It sounded interesting. I just hope it works. So, I go back there next Wednesday.
  I finally told my mom that I haven't been going to the art class I told them I was going to, although today I just said we didn't have class. I can't handle the class, and the professor is so mean, he doesn't know how to explain crap. I even rated him on ratemyprofessors.com... His ratings sucked! And what everyone else said was true... I thought I was the only one who felt that way about him. Mom took it well, even though, at one point, I thought she was going to go crazy. She goes "We'll keep this between us, and no one has to know that you aren't going to college." Muahaha, if someone asks how the art class I hate is going, I will have to tell them. Or make a good excuse I guess, but then I would feel bad, especially if people ask in church, and I tell them it is fine, that would be a lie, cuz Im not even going anymore, but I can't lie in church. So what do I do then? Say nothing and walk away? Then the people will probably think Im just stuck up, so I would feel bad about that. I hate not knowing how to act. It is like I feel I have to be sad for the people who know about my depression, but feel happy for the people who don't know about it, but both kinds of people are around me. I don't even know if this thing that the doctor says works for most, actually all so far, of the people cuz my brain just travels at a million miles a minute. I always feel like people have a "hidden agenda". In otherwords, they act like they like me, but once Im away, I feel like they just say stuff behind my back, or they think stuff about me... I don't know why I care. I mean, they have no right to judge me, only God does. For some reason, I just have a hard time accepting the fact that I need not care about what people think.
  I wish I could say a lot more about me on here. First of all, I have a heck of a time expressing myself, even when typing. Second of all, there are people who read this, well some, who, if they personally know me, they would probably flip out and call 911 or something. I should probably write all of that stuff down in a REAL journal.
  That's all for now... Im tired and I have to finish reading my book. TTYL...

Hmm... I have seriously become a rebel now! ::excitement sets in:: I know I probably shouldn't say all of the following things that I have been doing on here, but I am getting help, so if you know me, don't freak out...
  I, well me and two other people, have found it best that I drop that art class because of "health reasons". See, this project that we had to do involved a lot of usage of an Exacto knife. Well, ok, I won't say exactly what has been going on, but needless to say, I ended up taking most of my sharp objects, with an exception of regular house knives, down to my sister in law so I had no way of getting them. So, now, back to my rebelious thing, I was told not to go to class on Monday and get a doctor's note saying that I need to get out of that class. Well, due to the circumstances, I haven't told my parents that. So I left for "class" on Monday, although, what I did was go to Barnes & Noble and buy some books, then went to hang out at my friends house. I don't know how to tell my parents what I have been doing, they won't take it very well, especially since I have to "drop a class". They do not know how to stay out of my face right now. Everyday, it is "clean your room", "you better do something to that room", "blah blah blah, blah blah blah". It gets so ANNOYING!! One of these days, Im going to go crazy... Oh wait, hasn't that already happened to me? Anyway...
  I ended up going to choir practice Sunday. That surprised me, and the entire time I was driving there I kept thinking to myself: "I can't believe Im actually doing this." It was kinda fun, actually. I had different thoughts about it on the way there. Now, I just have to get someone to keep me going to practices, like my cousin, my sister-in-law, and someone else. I need a little push.
  Anyway, Im gonna go do something useful, like get some sleep or something...

  Well, I woke up this morning at like 10:15 and had to get ready to go to a baby shower at 11:00. Heh, surprisingly, I was only 5 minutes late! My stupid medicine first of all makes me tired for about 1-2 hours, then when I do finally go to sleep, I am wide awake at odd hours, like 5:30 in the morning. So I decided to take it later, like at 7:00ish. I decided while I was at the shower that I should probably leave early and work on that stupid project that I haven't finished yet. But now, here I am, typing away on my laptop bored out of my mind. I am so sick and tired of cutting paper with the stupid Exacto knife and pasting it on more paper. That is all kindergarten stuff. Heh, I have tomorrow I guess to work on it anyway.

Err.. I have this huge project in my art class to do, and it is due tomorrow. We have had like two weeks to work on it, but I refuse to do it. My professor is so unexplanatory in everything he does and it makes me crazy. I have 0 done on that project. Why bother? Everything you do and bring into him isn't good enough in the first place. The project was supposed to be this simple metamorphosis thingy that started out all black and then gradually went down to white. It is 8 feet long and 9 inches high. We're supposed to have 32 black pieces of paper that are 3 inches wide and 9 inches tall. And then, we have to come up with a design that is metamorphosizing (sp?) three different shapes or whatever and cut them with our Exacto knife into these black pieces of paper and paste them on the 8 foot banner-like thingy. Well, like I said it was supposed to be this simple project that wouldn't take much art knowledge. Now, he changed his mind, like he does every day, and the project has to show depth, movement, perception, etc etc, which I have no idea how to do. It is only our second art project and he is treating us like we are supposed to be Picaso already. A guy who sits next to me pointed out in the reading assignment that he gave us, it said something along the lines of "it is impossible to learn everything about art at once." Heh. Maybe the professor should read the assignment. ERRRR!!! So now I don't even know if Im going to do that assignment at all. I'll just tell the professor that he doesn't know how to teach and maybe he should just cancel the assignment, go home and make one of his own, then bring it in to show the class so that we can get a better understanding of what he wants us to do. He is such a jerk! I just get so frustrated with him. And he keeps telling us that we're getting graded on attitude also. Heh, like a girl in my class said, "That wasn't in the syllabus."

On a lighter note, well, I guess there isn't much of a lighter note. Nothing interesting has happened since Tuesday and Wednesday, and that wasn't very interesting, it was more like "hell on Earth". Heh, some people know about it, others don't. I don't feel like broadcasting it all over the state, so I won't say it on here. I just told certain people cuz I figured, as a friend, if a friend didn't tell me about it when I saw them after the fact, I would be quite mad. But I don't really think they cared that much. Oh well, it just adds to the whole situation, but I guess I will survive, although I question that fact every once and a while... well Im tired and I gotta see what Im going to do about that stupid project.

HA! Yeah right. As of right now, I strongly dislike my 2 Dim. Design Prof. He is such a jerk. A guy in class was saying, "I went to the bookstore to get some of that gouache and they said they didnt' have it..." he didn't get to finish what he was saying and he started in on the "I don't want to hear anything like that, it is your responsibility. The next time you go to the bookstore, tell them to order it, that is the kind of stuff you have to do." Ha, leave it to Bob, the guy who started the conversation, to talk back... He said, "Well, I was going to tell you about that before you cut me off. I went down to the bookstore and told them what I needed, and they said that the professor needs to go down there to order it." I think the prof was speechless. But the way he said all of that stuff, he was acting like an immature 3 year old. ERRR!!! He said a bunch of other stuff today that ticked me off, but anyway...

   I hate college right now. Today in my Art class, we had to start our smearnographs. It is where you take a bullseye drawing (make a dot in the middle of the paper, and draw a circle around it, and then draw another circle around that, and another circle around that, etc etc...) Then you go to the copy machine and move the paper around while it is copying so it makes cool designs and shades. Then you find a landscape picture, or any picture really, and photo copy that. You take tracing paper and trace the general design of the picture, then put it on top of the copied bullseye thing, now called smearnograph, and cut it out according to the shade and lines of the landscape. Then you paste it on the page. It isn't hard, it is just time consuming. I hate it!!! It took me like 3-4 hours to do this thing and Im not even half way done with it, so now Im going to go to college at like 12 tomorrow, even though I don't have to be there until 7, and then Im going to call my friend from church to see if she will help me with this thing. I hope she can bail me out of this, but I feel bad for asking. I could have had it done if I would have been able to copy more smearnograph thingies. ERR!!! I even tried, since the tracing paper is really thin, going into my old HS to copy from the tracing paper to regular computer paper using the light table... but nothing works. I went there for nothing. I hate not having talent. The only reason I like college is because it gives me something to do, rather than just sitting and doing nothing at home.
  I hate having this stupid feeling that I would rather just not be here right now. I mean, yeah, I have SOME friends, but most people just kind of ignore me, especially in college. Some guys made fun of me cuz of all of the stuff I was carrying. I felt dumb. I was kind of carrying a tacklebox full of art supplies, a big black carrying case thingy, and my book bag, that sucked, so I might transfer some stuff elsewhere. When I was in my old HS, I hardly talked to anyone. I just had that "burning" feeling like when you get really mad at someone... and for no reason. I don't think anyone is mad at me, but who knows? I don't know if it is the combination of getting back in the swing of things or just cuz of all that has been happening with my relationships with people. So my day sucked, just plain sucked! But I think I might go to bed, hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Wow, I just made a long journal entry but guess what, I went to hit backspace and when I did, it made the browser go back and erased the entire thing. I took me like an hour to write too. Anyway... I guess I'll re-write it, I still need to vent....

I really get frustrated when you think a person is your friend, but they make you feel the only way it is possible to keep in touch with them, since I graduated, is if I try to keep in touch with them. They (and yes, grammar people, I know that it is wrong to say they when you mean he or she) don't make any effort to keep in touch with me. So I figured I'll just stay away if that is what they want me to do. It kind of makes me feel like I never mattered to them at all, and they just sort of made it all up. And in a way that kinda hurts. I know Im not much of a person most of the time, but I do notice a lot of things. Enough of that....

If I could change one thing in my life, it would be this: that I would be less shy and try out for different things... Meaning: When I was a freshman, I wanted to run for student council secretary, but I never did cuz in my school, it is all a big popularity contest, not who will do a good job, so I backed down. I wanted to have an authority position. I finally got my chance when I was named editor of our school newspaper thingy. Hmm... interesting since I wasn't really an authority person cuz I was practically the only student who worked on it and I couldn't boss the teacher around. Oh, and I was editor of the yearbook, well kinda, I was named like three quarters of the way through the school year and never felt right about it.

Ok, here is the situation: You have been working for a year and have been doing really good at your job. Your boss tells you how good you are doing and tells you you are such a hard worker and always putting above and beyond extra effort in your jobs. Whenever you have an assignment, you work until the job is done, meaning you don't ever leave work until it is completely finished. Meanwhile, a co-worker, who has worked the same time as you have, always leaves early all the time, never gives anyone the time of day, and complains when they have to stay after for even a little bit. Yes, their jobs are done, but they are done enough to be called done... no extra effort put into it at all. One of the 4 heads of the company are fired and you think you have the job in the bag. Then the co-worker is complaining one day cuz they have to stay after to help with a project because.... they were "hand chosen" by your boss to take over the position. Your boss might as well have shot you in the stomach, tied a noose around your neck, and drag you down 1000 flights of stairs, since that is what it felt like anyway....   This sort of happend to me, although kind of a different situation... When it happend... I wanted to do nothing but cry. But I would never tell anyone about it cuz Im not like that. I just kinda smile and go with it, I coudn't do anything about it. So I just acted sarcastically a bit whenever the job was mentioned... ERRR it still makes me mad.

Sorry, I had to get that out, it has been bugging me for a while... But Im gonna go, stupid backspace... muahaha... later 

I got to thinking about death today. I don't know why, but here are my thoughts..